Inspiration

You are the reason I labor on,
to hear you sing praises to Him.
I look at your life and beauty,
and find my hope is rekindled again.

Is the pain worth it?  
absolutely!
Is the time well spent?
yes indeed!
I poured out my life into yours,
and to watch you thrive 
makes it all worth it.

Today I enjoy the fruit of my labor;
to watch God change a girl.
To watch you love Jesus,
makes my frustrations
tiny.

It is for Christ in the end that we toil
and to this end I work till I die.
To spread God's Word to others
and to watch them love God as I do
Is why I do what I do.

Ministry

Ministry is an odd combination of idealistic dreams and a job to support my family.  What is sad is that my experience in ministry looks less and less like the Biblical ideal and more like a place where everyone is seeking to be fed.  The reality is that it has always been like that and my idealism was just that:  idealism.  
What I mean is what people value is what they put their time into.  Christians are supposed to be all about Christ and serving Christ in every way.  But I look at "church" and I see people putting God in a box they can take out and consume when they need a fix.  Christianity is a lifestyle, not a product.  

So I bring the Word and pray.  I have seen successes and I am very proud of many people and their growth in the Lord.  Those people make me happy and I receive a glimmer of hope.  I have not seen the dramatic growth that these evangelism companies promise.  I wonder if that is the right kind of growth anyway.  

It seems as though God gives us just enough to get by and does just enough to preserve His work.  I get frustrated that God doesn't come down and change people dramatically; even to go as far as to change our politicians, our stars, and our athletes.  

So I survive.  I pray.  I grow weary of this place and the people.  It seems like they have heard everything and anything I add sounds more like my opinion rather than Biblical truth.  I believe I am preaching the Word, but I wonder sometimes if people receive a sermon that way.  I will serve God in any capacity and for as long as He chooses, even if sometimes I preach to their condemnation rather than their edification.  The bottom line is that they are not my friends, they are my flock.  

I wish my flock were my friends.  I love them, but they resent me like a teenager resents his mother and father.  

Church as community

Well, well, well. I watch as a man of God injured sits with his urge to pour out his guts to another Christian goes unrequited. Another passes from this life to the next, the last 3 years of his life a hollow shell of a man, having lost his wife the 3 years prior to his death.

Isolation

Do you ever get the sense that people are being less-than-genuine with you? This may be the case for anyone, but in particular someone in my situation, it think it is all too common.

Ever since I became a pastor, people have begun lying to my face. It is not as if people tell me random lies like "I know Kung-Fu" or "I met Michael Jordan". Those are too obvious and are reserved for 2nd grade.

The kind of lies I hear are people not being themselves. Case in point: I was having a compelling conversation with someone who had issues with God and the church. He was really spilling his spiritual guts with me until he asked the dreaded question: "What do you do for a living?" It's not that I am in crisis with my pastoral identity--it's just I know what is next. I tell him I pastor a church of really great people... as I do, I watch his face fall. The colorful conversation turns from raw-honesty and curse words to uncomfortable facade and a whole bunch of "gee, golly's".

If you read this and are comforted by the man's change in vocabulary, then you really need to pay attention to this and when Jesus said "you strain out a gnat and let through a camel!" The gnat is the ridiculous false piety that we in our culture lean to. Big deal he isn't saying "damn" anymore. (While we do need clean speech, that was the least of his worries). The camel is why the man reacted the way he did, and he is only partly to blame.

Our sin keeps us from being real with others and with the Lord; it manifests itself in shame and guilt. The man shut down because he sees the church of Christ like many in our culture do: Much like the Pharisees of long ago.

We wear our WWJD bracelets and our crosses. We put fish on our car. We listen to "Jesus music". We put on a smile. When asked a tough question, the first words out of our lips are uncomfortable and insecure spatterings of "well the Bible says" and "you haveta believe".

"Hold on there," you are thinking, "This pastor doesn't believe that the Bible is the infallible Word of God!" If you are then you may be proving my point. Do we engage our culture intelligently and with love? Will that man care what the Bible says (at least right away)? He is more interested in whether you can relate Truth to him in love so that he understands it. That is what communication the gospel is, rather than "being correct". We are entering a "post-Christian era" in our culture so our days of soft and easy Truth telling are going away. Soon we will have to address the real Jesus to real life people in real life terms. We won't have to make God's Word relevant to others, we will have to show them how it is.

It isn't just non-Christians who lie to me. It is probably more-so people within the church. I only see the "good side" of many people. To a large extent, people seem to think that they have to have "arrived" in the faith to the place where knowing our weaknesses, our faults and tendencies are not necessary. The reasons why vary: Some actually believe they are ok and that growth really wouldn't help that much because they don't have any major issues (as far as they can tell). Some don't read scripture, but do know their culture and have created their own theology that tells them they are ok and that God thinks they are ok and that God will support them in whatever they do because "God is love". Wow, I wonder what it would be like for them to actually read the scriptures. Marriages have no problems (even thought the divorce rate in the church is close to 50%), kids are doing great (but when they turn 18, they stop going to any church), spiritual walk is fine (even though pornography, alcohol abuse, credit card debt, and racism are alive and well in the church).

"So quit whining Pastor! You know what you need to do! Preach the word! Get tough on them! Swing the velvet hammer!" Early on in the preaching ministry, I did just that. People get offended if you tell them what they need to hear. Even if you are completely convicted in prayer that you need to confront someone, and you pray about it and pray with your elders, you will find that people either react in repentance (thank goodness) or they say "how dare you! I have been coming to this church for 20 years and you come and are hear for 3 and assume you can tell me ____!" Wow. I wonder who they think the church of Christ belongs to?

I hate to admit it: Sometimes I am afraid that I am preaching to a people who hear the Word, but ultimately turn away. Am I preaching the gospel to their condemnation because they do not turn, believe and are healed!? Despite your theology of salvation, this is a disturbing thought. I hope that I am preaching to the city of Ninevah, who repent in ashes rather than Israel and Judah just before the exile who don't think there is anything wrong.

I am really tired of loving Jesus but having to guard myself against Christians. It makes for some lonely days. Just once, I would like someone to tell me the truth why they are leaving, rather than have them assume I don't want to hear why or have them be too scared to be honest. Just once I would love it if someone actually told me they understood that they were broken, and were happy about it.

Thanks for reading my rant. Ministry is also a great blessing to me. I know everyone is not like that, but it seems that way sometimes. Then I pray to the Lord and he brings me someone who really loves Jesus and understands brokenness before the Lord and we have a wonderful conversation.

Then I remember that Jesus will never leave me all alone. He sends his friends to help!

People can go away

One thing that really takes me out of serenity is how people politely say one thing and then do something quite different. "I'll call you" or "I'm leaving to pursue my gifts" when you know full well they are not going to call you nor are they leaving because they want to use their gifts. People can be selfish!

Spare me too from the explanations of polite society demanding that we spare each other's feelings by saying such meaningless things. You want to leave because you want to, or you don't like someone, or you think you are better than someone else.

Who is really afraid? I'm not afraid to hear that you don't like me. I'm not afraid to know that you think you are better than me. I am not shy about "polite disagreement". In fact, I would say two things. One, that polite disagreement is a lost art in society because people do not like to invest themselves emotionally into a situation or simply do not have the time to deal with differing opinion. The other is that people who practice "polite" lying are simply afraid of the truth: They are selfish people. In the end, we don't say we are leaving, but tell a polite lie because we know our reasons project the wrong image we would like to have. We want to be good people, but sometimes we don't like someone and we are afraid that people will think we are bad people for feeling that way.

In addition, if we were truthful about our intentions, we know deep down that they could be resolve and be convinced to stay. Our reasons for leaving a friendship or a church, or a club are sometimes nothing more than shallow. Well, I am not afraid of shallow people.

Perhaps if we were more honest, then we would be forced to think about our lives a bit more and maybe, just maybe, we would become better people....

and I wouldn't have to bitch about it in some blog!

"Deep Hypocrisy"

Congratulations!

Because of you, I started a blog.

I cannot keep silent anymore.

How we claim to be Christian... or Reformed?

Do we really follow Jesus or are we simply playing the game?

Many profess the name of our Lord; yet don't have a damn idea who He is

Or care to follow him.

The biggest reason I was not a Christian was because of Christians....

The biggest reason I don't like to go to "church" is because of Christians...

I'll be damned if I will let them keep me from my first and best love: Jesus Christ.

Lord, have mercy on those who say they know you;

but are content to follow themselves.

I'm no saint, but at least I know that I am not

and have no issue admitting it!

"For Christ is made perfect in our weakness"